Yesterday I was brainstorming about topics for the blog. I have a list of ideas, but none of them were grabbing me. So I asked some friends what I should write about. One friend asked me to talk about something so personal and so exciting and at first I couldn’t decide if I wanted to share! My dear friend asked me to tell you about a novel I have been thinking about in my head for probably the last ten years. There…I said it. Publicly and on the interwebs where everyone can read it. Am I scared? YES! Why? Let me tell you.
There have always been stories teeming around in my head for as long as I can remember. When I was in junior high, my friend and I were planning a collaborative piece about cloning; thank you Michael Chrichton and Jurassic Park for the inspiration. We spent countless hours doing research. The internet wasn’t in full swing yet, so we could only use the resources in the library. It was going to be so legit! However, it never passed the initial research phase and the ideas are somewhere hidden in the deep recesses of one of my many journals. Which honestly, is probably for the best. I don’t think my calling is as a science fiction writer.
Several other ideas have popped in my head. I have countless halves of first chapters written. My journals are filled with stories that never even had a chance to spring forth into life. So I have been pondering why I haven’t finished any. (Not finishing things is kind of the story of my life). There is really only one answer. To put it simply: fear, thrown in with a tad bit of laziness, and a complete inability to believe I have anything of value to say. I am sure this fear is more than relatable; not just to writers, but any artist or person with an idea swirling in their brain. I mean seriously, what if I tell EVERYONE my idea to write a novel; like on a blog post where everyone with internet access can witness not only my big promises, but possibly, my huge failures? Then again, why NOT? After all I am only human. Isn’t my blog titled A Fairy Tale in Progress? Progress people, which means I might fail. But the beauty about failure, is there is always an opportunity to pick ourselves up and try again.
So here I sit writing at 6am (as per previous mentioned in an earlier post, I don’t do mornings). The night before I first started this blog, I joined a writing group and attended my first chapter meeting. The assignment was to write something for critiquing to share with the rest of the group. I felt simultaneously thrilled, scared, stumped, and challenged. I thought and thought about what I might want to share. Finally I decided I needed to introduce the world to Grace. (My heart literally skipped a beat just now and I held my breath while I wrote that sentence).
Grace is 9. There are several different plots running through my head about which direction I want to take her plot. Here is what I know about her: childhood has been a struggle for her. Her parents are non existent, or if they do exist, they suck. And by suck, I mean really suck. But whatever her story, she ends up happy, loving herself, and conquering all the bad stuff. She has been my heroine for years and I think it’s time I set her free and tell her story.
Some of you readers who know me might be going, “hmmmm this sounds familiar.” And it is! I am going to draw from my own experience. Grace and I have always been different you see. She was happy in the end, and for so long I haven’t been. I think that was part of the block as well. How could I tell the world her story, when I didn’t know how to get to the happy part of life on my own, in the real world? They say to write what you know. Well for the longest time, I have not known what it truly means to have a happy ever after of my own. But folks, I feel like I am getting the hang of it. I just wanted Grace to be happy, and I think I finally know how she will become fulfilled and content. And it is most definitely because I think I have the answer. Well, most of the answer, as there is always room to grow.
So here I am, just a girl sitting in front of a computer at 6am (thank you Notting Hill), hoping against all hopes that I can keep this momentum of positivity in my life going. I am terrified that the other shoe is going to drop, that it will fall so hard onto the proverbial ground that I will be standing here with nothing but a bunch broken promises and half written chapters for the rest of my life. When you suffer from depression, the shoe usually does drop. And I am so happy, and I hate that I know it is going to hit me again. Because that is part of my life. Depression will always be a part of my story. However, the older I get the more I develop the tools to pull myself up. I have learned to give myself more patience and more love. I feel like for the first time ever, I believe what all the people who have ever loved me have been telling me my whole life. So I am going to do this. I am committing. Grace is going to get her story and I am so thrilled.
Feel free to comment if you think you’d like me to post excerpts of her story as I move along in the process. Her first chapter is scheduled to be written tonight, because tonight is when I have to submit my piece for the writing group, and I am a procrastinator. Thanks for taking time to read this! And thank you love (you know who you are) for encouraging me to write about it.