Humor

Did You Have a Nice Trip?

The fair young maiden, whom will sometimes be called, “Mandalicious” (this name having been bestowed upon her by dear friend, Gus) never claimed to be a “neat freak”, as one might put it. In fact, she was a tiny bit of a slob, or just a plain slob. However, she preferred the term “messy”  thinking it sounded slightly less slovenly. While she knew how to clean and was capable of creating a clean living space, there were always more important things to do. Sometimes a visit to the pool and catching rays were more important, while other times one of the many projects she had going on (scrapbooking, painting, writing, netflixing, reading, snuggling with a niece or nephew, etc.) would draw her attention and putting the clothes away just didn’t seem a priority really ever. While this caused much embarrassment throughout her life, as she got older, she began to accept that being a cluttered lass was part of her existence. (Aren’t there hundreds of articles on the interwebs that state a creative person is often messy?) So  instead of being offended when people made comments, it was a tad easier to simply accept this character flaw and learn to love herself in spite of it, for creativity is what she thrived on. Acceptance of oneself is incredibly important if one is to live happily-ever-after under any circumstances, and Mandalicious was on a path of self acceptance and appreciation. It was unfamiliar territory, but it was a wondrous journey.

When describing her living quarters, she often described them as “messy, but not filthy” because no one obviously likes to walk on a floor covered in sticky crumbs or use a nasty lavatory, not even she. There came a time however, when she had to admit she could no longer let her depression and laziness rule her life. She needed to be more diligent in her self care if not for her mental health, but for her bottom. The story that changed the maiden’s perspective goes as follows:

Once upon a time the mid single maiden came home to a message from the proprietor of her lodgings. The message stated, “I need to speak with you this evening, Much obliged, Lord Fox.” -Or something in that manner.

Instead of trudging her weary self up the stairs to her quarters of the manor, she knocked hesitantly on the proprietor’s front door. “Come in! Have a seat!” he boomed. All the while, straining to keep his beautiful dog named Hazel from attacking her with all the love in the poor beast’s heart. As she sat down she greeted Lady Fox and her husband let her know he was having a pest control man come out to spray for the non existent bugs in the house (that is for a later post, because there is in fact no infestation of any kind). “You will have to move the furniture away from the walls, ahem, all the walls will need to be clear so the bug man could attend to his duties.” Mandalicious innerly cringed as she recalled that she hadn’t put clothes away in- well, not in a long while. The idea of having to clean instead of write was rather disappointing, but she thought to herself, “what an excellent catalyst of motivation.”  The three of them discussed the non existent bug situation and then the maiden took her leave.

She summoned courage and desire to clean and then sat promptly down to do a puzzle. Do not worry reader, she did not stay there all night. No, Mandalicious got up and decided to do the dishes and pull everything into the center of the rooms. Her poor back was very angry with her, but she persisted. Soon enough she moved on to her clothes, (thankfully she had cleaned the living room and kitchen on Saturday). She did not manage to get much of that done. After deciding to finish in the morning (honestly what was she thinking? For anyone who truly knew this fair maiden knew getting up early was also not one of her strengths) she cleared her vanity and put the garbage full of papers that needed to be taken out in the morning close to the door, but out of her path. (It is most important to mention she did in fact accomplish taking the trash out, but not until it was too late; which I will more fully explain at present).

To cure her inability to get out of bed in the morning she had also started putting her phone on the vanity across from her bed. In order to turn off her loathsome alarm clock, she had to sit up and actually get up to turn off the phone. On this particular night, she did her nightly routine, set audible to play exactly 8 minutes of The Order of the Phoenix, and placed the phone on the vanity and retreated to her cozy bed. She drifted to sleep as soon as Jim Dale stopped speaking.

At approximately 4am, the urge to use the ladies room aroused her from her slumber. Well, the fair young maiden wasn’t going to approach this task without knowing precisely how many more hours or minutes she had to sleep before the dreaded call of the blasted alarm would let her know it was time to wake and ready herself for another day at work. However, as she got up to reach the phone, she stepped on the garbage bag and tripped forward, caught herself and fell onto the floor. This promptly caused her leg to cramp and evidently gave her an awful knot and bruise on her bottom. But no matter, at least she knew the time now.

While she was a tad sore, she knew this was quite hilarious and proceeded giggle to herself about how utterly lamebrained she sometimes is. In any case, the fair maiden vowed to do better in this department. Alas, the clothes did not in fact get put away, but rather thrown onto her bed. Temporarily they were back on the floor, but she had high expectations of herself and the floor is almost clear in her bedroom…almost.  Tripping and falling in the middle of the night may make a great story, and while embarrassing to some extent, it really just made her more determined to better herself. She cut herself some slack and then she started a daily chore plan. So far ( it only being two nights since the fall) she has been progressing. Which is really what she perceived this life to be about, progressing. 

Humor · Low Carbs

Have you ever been in a fight with a vending machine?

CARBS ARE THE ENEMY, BUT WHY DO I LOVE THEM SO MUCH?

 

Once upon a time, the fair young maiden fell asleep before 11pm for the first time in quite a while. It was a glorious sleep and she couldn’t even remember if she had to get up to use the ladies room once. She woke up and curled her hair and had to only rush a tiny bit. She didn’t eat beforehand, because she had an avocado and that should have been sufficient. As she walked down the stairs, her underwire snapped and began to poke her and aggravate her. She became a tad ragey and continued to descend down the stairs to the car.

She suddenly realized she was ravenous, not just hungry. The chocolate she had indulged in the night previous had kicked her sugar cravings into full gear. Coconut crumb donuts  were just the perfect solution. She happened to have the exact amount in her purse for such a purchase. So she told everyone “I am having donuts for breakfast, and none of you can stop me.” Only to realize no one was really even standing near her. She marched to the elevators and promptly went downstairs to the vending machine. She greedily put her money in and put in the corresponding number and watched with great anticipation as the windy thing in the vending machine rotated…and the package got stuck. The maiden tried to use her brute strength to knock the vending machine a little to shake it loose. But alas, her weak efforts were to no avail.

She supposed she should take it as a sign that this is not meant to be and gave up; but as she took the elevator her tummy growled viciously and she became irritable. When she got back upstairs and got ready to login, it was discovered that her computer was not working. So she furiously dug through her purse and discovered she still had another $1.25. While IT was getting her computer fixed she raced downstairs and tried to get the treasured donuts again. To her amazement and delight, two doughnut packages fell to the bottom of the machine. She took the treasure up to her desk and stored them for safe keeping for about two seconds….then she tore into them and promptly ate them; feeling only minor guilt at continuing to break her no carb resolution.  The sugar only mildly soothed her hunger and the irritation of the underwire poking through and stabbing her. It was so unsatisfying, that she had to medicate her soul with a miniature calzone, some cheese bread, and some chocolate.

The end

Humor · Mental Health · Uncategorized

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a fair young maiden. Well, maybe not so young, but she wasn’t old really. In fact, she was more “mid-single” as her religious culture might deem her. She was a strong woman, who had gone through many trials, not unlike any other normal human being. But alas, she was blessed with a sensitive soul and her trials affected her deeply. Her sensitivity was a gift and a curse at the same time. Her big heart was a great comfort to her friends and family, sometimes it got her into trouble, but mostly it helped her grow and become stronger than she ever imagined possible.

Alas, the trouble she got into would leave her heart broken from time to time, but she persevered. Each time the fair maiden fell, she got back up again. With every incident she became a little stronger and wiser. One day the woman realized that through the course of her trials, she had gained a lot of wisdom and perspective that others found comforting. Her advice was sometimes sought and the wisdom she had gained, not only gave her her own sense of comfort, it helped those in her life. Some people even deigned to call her witty, as her ways of telling her  tales with a flare of humor often left people in stitches.

Aside from this ability to entertain with words and wit, there was a desire in her heart to express the ideas and trinkets of wisdom gained throughout her various life lessons. On her journey through life and on her quest to value her own self worth, she realized she had a lot to offer and even more to say. She could see humor in her daily life. Her life was filled with adventures and funny yarns about her crazy nieces and nephews, and her occasional attempts at cutting carbs out of her diet. And it is with this knowledge, that she had something to offer and something of value to say, that this blog has been created.

So stay tuned for the adventures of the fair young maiden whose Fairy Tale in Progress is sure to elicit all of the feels and possibly all of the giggles one can muster.